If you grew up in the the 80's, it is almost certain that at least a part of your imagination has been dwelling on one central question for the last 25 years: Who is Cobra Commander? He's the dark shadow that stains the pristine clarity of your sunniest days. He lurks, skulking, yelling, full of enmity, standing at the corners of your fondest dreams. His malicious omnipresence prevents all true joy from taking root.
Who is this screeching, high-pitched commander of doom?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to say I'm pretty sure I know: Vladimir Putin is Cobra Commander
Look at the uncanny likeness:
What other world leader dispatches his enemies with such elaborate schemes as radioactive poisoning and gangster-style contract killings. Who else had this to say about democratic protesters:
"If you get (permission), you go and march. If you don't -- you have no right to. Go without permission, and you will be hit on the head with batons. That's all there is to it."
Now, to this point you might say, "well, any number of autocratic megalomaniacs might do the same", and you might be right. However, I ask you how many of those same megalomaniacs wield crossbows? Putin does. He also hunts, tracks and tags polar bears. WHY? Something nefarious having to do with invading Finland by bear, I'm sure. He's also seen almost exclusively without a shirt, intimidating other world leaders with his rippling physique. Let's look at some pictures:
People! This is more than just a ruthless dictator! This is a supervillain. His powers for evil are unmatched We mortals must now hold out all hope for a crack team of American commandos led by a blond-haired frat boy and pray that Putin never gets hold of the Weather Dominator...or maybe he already has. It has been a really hot summer, full of drought and famine, and the price of wheat is skyrocketing...
Someone check Putin's investment portfolio on wheat futures, and prepare the border to repel incoming polar bears.
