Make Friends with Oil

Hey, I don't know if you guys heard about this or not, but BP is currently turning the Gulf of Mexico and Louisiana coastline into a giant, toxic cesspool that probably will not return to normal unless we measure time like geologists.  The livelihoods of entire communities are poised to be destroyed and the cost to the environment and wildlife populations is already catastrophic. 

But I think we need to look on the bright side. We've got to make friends with oil.  After all, given the vested business interests and their domination of government policy making, as well as the selfish shortsightedness of the general American populace, it's not going away any time soon!

So, let's consider the silver lining here.

All that oil is going to be great for those of us with dry skin! Climbing out of the Gulf after a great swim in the sludge, you'll be so soft and silky smooth, with that "just oiled" feeling. 

And our general mobility will be vastly improved! It'll be great for people with arthritis to be able to slide around like eels. This guy wasn't afraid of a good oil bath so why should we be?:

Ah C-3PO.  Once again a sexually ambiguous robot has shown us the way.

And admit it, you've always been jealous of the northern countries that get to have the aurora borealis.  No more.  The Gulf of Mexico on fire is going to light up the night sky spectacularly.  It'll be so magical, you'll almost forget the acrid smell.  Are those tears of wonder and awe or just that burning, stinging chemical feeling in your eye? I think you know. 

And sure, most of the wildlife in the Gulf and Louisiana wetlands stands a good chance of total extermination, but think of the new wildlife we'll be creating! Imagine how cool it's going to be when this guy crawls out of the Gulf of Mexico and starts a massive rampage across the country:

 

Of course, without a stalwart national hero like Godzilla, we'll have to battle the Smog Monster the old fashioned way - with big ass missiles.  So it's a win for the military-industrial complex too!

Which brings me to my last point: job creation.  Yes, the fishing industry in the Gulf is totally fucked, but we can put those people to work building a top secret, state of the art Smog Monster Fighting research facility and all the weaponry we will need to confront this vile new threat to our national security.  

The newly declared War on Smog Monsters will generate billions in manufacturing contracts alone.  

There you go.  Recession over. 

I don't understand why people are so upset about this. 

Comments

[Susan]

Jovian recently reminded me that even though we don't have Godzilla, we do have the Toxic Avenger to take care of that nasty Smog Monster!