I never thought it was possible to actually SAVE money by going to a strip club, but that was before I went out to the ones in Washington, DC, our sexually dysfunctional nation's capital. What a god awful experience. As it turned out, I would have spent way more money at literally any other bar or restaurant in the entire city. This is due to several related factors:
1) The girls are unattractive and at times strangely hairy. On several occasions, I wanted to kick them in the hairy nuts, which I felt certain dangled between their cottage cheese thighs.
2) The girls are unfriendly and can't seem to change a ten dollar bill.
3) NO LAP DANCES!
It's that third item that is at the root of the problem. I don't get it. I don't get the economics of it on a fundamental level. How the fuck do these girls make any money? Are they seriously working for the measly tips they get for their crappy dancing? And believe me, the dancing is piss poor. And what would you expect? If you are hot and have any talent at all, I'd assume you work in Baltimore where anything goes.
So, we've got a perfect storm of erection-snuffing misery going on in these shitboxes, like Archibald's on K St. where I sadly found myself on Friday night. You've got horrible girls with no good, very bad attitudes and egregiously bad taste in lingerie with absolutely no incentive to be friendly and treat you nice, since you can't buy a dance anyway. So you don't even get that special feeling you're supposed to get from a strip club: namely, that you are an attractive and sexually desirable man instead of a seedy, voyeuristic man-child.
Waste. Of. Time.
It's unfair to both the dancers and the poor slobs who attend them. What we've got here is a classic lose-lose situation engineered by the District of Colombia's boneheaded government. I mean, seriously, the district's gun laws are in danger of getting slapped down but not our lapdancing restrictions? What the fuck sense does that make? Where's the outcry over this set of crappy puritanical sex laws? I can't believe I'll be able to buy a semi-automatic weapon but not pay a woman to sit on my lap and grind! I guess there's a sort of logic to the whole thing. At least when I'm bored out of my mind at the strip clubs, I can shoot myself in the face.
But, I've come up with a plan, a perfect solution, because I'm a political genius. For some time now, the good citizens of DC have been trying to wrangle from Congress the right to equal representation and voting privileges in our national legislature - DC Statehood, in effect. It never works because republicans hate DC and they keep trying to tie voting rights to unrelated and controversial action items, such as an easing of DC gun laws. However, what if we tied a DC Statehood bill with both a total forced relaxation of the district's gun laws AND a rescindment of the regulations against lap dancing! That way, DC gets to vote so democrats gain that seat, the gun people get to once again walk the streets of the nation's capital with that swagger that can only come from being armed to the teeth and the lap dance people get to enjoy the tawdry thrill of a good, fleshy grind after a hard day's work. Now THAT is coalition building.
Brilliant! Statehood, guns and lapdances. Hee Haw!
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