How To Land A Brown Man

The Brown Man and the Pistachio Nut

The pistachio nut, culinary jewel of Iran and other parts of Western Asia, is the natural snack of the Brown Man.  No matter where you find him, there will be pistachio nuts somewhere nearby.  And as the truism "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is as much or even more accurate when dealing with the Brown Man, it is extremely important that the prospective wife of the Brown Man understand his snacking habits. 

The Brown Man has typically been snacking on pistachio nuts for as long as he can remember.  Whether the family game be Bridge, Chess or Backgammon (these are the only choices, by the way), a ready and bottomless supply of pistachio nuts was always present on the table, as the gaming went on into the night.  Family gathering? Pistachio nuts.  Always. 

The salty and potassium-rich goodness of the pistachio nut is the primary source of the Brown Man's well-balanced electrolytes.  The fiber and heart-healthy Omega 3 and 6 fatty acids contribute to the Brown Man's longevity and the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties of the nut are responsible for the Brown Man's phlegmatic demeanor and youthful appearance.  Truthfully, the pistachio nut is one of the main sources of the Brown Man's power and virility. 

If the Brown Man is going to make you dinner at his place, it is a nice touch to bring pistachio nuts in addition to the more mundane bottle of wine.  Make a game of it. He will gladly pay you in kisses for each savory and delicious nut you feed to him with your deft and graceful, feminine hands. He will begin to associate you with his favorite snack food, which is all to the good.

When the Brown Man invites you to meet his family, an offering of pistachio nuts is almost always appropriate.  But make sure you get good ones.  Pistachio nut quality often has a inverse relationship with the distance from the source - the farther the nut has to travel from the tree, the more there is that can go wrong, and the more the quality suffers.  So get your frequent flier miles together and head to Iran.  Or, as that visa can be complicated, head to California, which cultivates outstanding pistachio nuts right here in America. 

Want bonus points? Take your Brown Man to Alamogordo, New Mexico where he will discover a second Mecca:

Yes, friends, I humbly submit to you the world's largest pistachio nut.  There could be no more picturesque location for you to tell your Brown Man how you feel about him and to get a romantic photo of the two of you in front of a giant pistachio nut.  That's an Eid card waiting to happen. 

And ladies, if he starts calling you his "little pistachio nut", the ring is in the mail. 

The Opera Date

If you're dating a Brown Man, you will most likely end up at the opera.  Probably within the first five dates.  The Opera date for the Brown Man is an amazing amalgamation of self-conscious romantic intent and complete obliviousness.  The Brown Man assumes you have never been to the opera and that it will be culturally impressive.  Going to the opera is essentially a $600-$800 dollar date depending on where you have dinner and the Brown Man knows that you will figure this out sometime before the appointed romantic evening.  He's trying to impress you and you should let him.  However, the Brown Man, no matter how much romance he intends to muster (Expect flowers, lots of very intense whispering, kisses stolen in the shadows between acts and if there is a character in the performance that has a name resembling your own, prepare to be called that all night and well into the morning.  The truly accomplished Brown Man will strategically select the particular opera so that this playful nicknaming can occur.) will be completely oblivious to the total freak out that such a high end date may cause in his intended. 

This is where I come in. 

Take a deep breath. 

Relax.

It's only the opera.

WHAT TO WEAR: Make no mistake about it: The opera is a fancy affair.  If you want to land this Brown Man, you're going to need a wicked, wicked dress.  A lot of women at the opera will be in black dresses and you may be tempted to go this route.  This is a mistake.  If it's a black and white world, you want to be in full HD color.  Make a spectacle of yourself.  Get a knockout dress in red, green, brown, purple...anything but black. Elegant and seductive.  Show some skin.  This is your chance.  The Brown Man is going to try to wow you with his limitless wealth, but you are in control here.  Take his breath away.  Also, the opera is an artistic enterprise.  Choose a dress that belongs in a sumptuous renaissance painting.  Be a goddess.  Try something like these:

 

Now, those are fairly expensive dresses, so don't feel the need to get those exact pieces, however, you should go with something thematically close. As for shoes, go classic:

Or crazy:

Nothing in between.  

WHAT TO EAT: You're wearing a hot dress, looking fantastic, feeling great - you may be tempted to eat light.  Don't be that girl.  Don't be a candy-ass.  Eat up.  Get dessert.  No self-respecting Brown Man is going to be happy with a girl who is a small eater.  The reason is that he knows that at some point you're going to have to meet his mom and she WILL NOT HAVE THAT! Look, go to the gym, bike to work, walk up the escalator, I don't care but do not skimp on dinner.  It's gonna be a fancy, fancy meal and you better do damage.  Eat with relish and wild abandon. 

HOW TO ACT: It's a date.  HAVE FUN! Flirt. Be coy.  The Brown Man is going to unleash a phalanx of romance and poetry upon you.  He's going to be more charming than any one you have ever dated.  Enjoy it, but don't take him too seriously. When you laugh make sure to lean into him so he can smell your perfume and your hair. Brown Men are driven by their olfactory senses and he will remember how you smell for days after the date. Release your smoldering eyes on him. Make fun of him just enough, but don't be cynical. Romance does exist and you are in for it now. Touch his arm a lot.  Honestly, torture the poor man.  And then UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.  The Brown Man is expecting to close the deal with the opera date.  Disappoint him in this regard.  He will be befuddled and will begin to regard you as a human being and not just a concept in his mind.  This is the first step on your journey.

There you go.  Take my advice and things are gonna get really hot, really fast. 

Have fun at the opera ladies!

Know Your Brown Men

I think it's important to note that while Brown Men have a lot of traits in common, including but not limited to their penchant for asking you to marry them within the first four months of your acquaintance, they are not all the same. 

So, I humbly submit below a brief sketch of some of the most common Brown Men you may encounter in the wild.  I've presented them in order of how difficult they are to deal with in romantic relationships, with the first being the easiest.  This is not an all-inclusive list - Brown Men come in many more varieties than I have time to list below - however I think this will begin to open the door of knowledge to this larger world for the initiates among you. 

1) Bangladeshis - These guys are probably the easiest for a western woman to deal with.  They gave up their innate contempt for women over 20 years ago when the government and certain organizations like the Bangladesh Rural Advancement Committee began making a serious commitment to the education of women.  It's paid off in spades for both the country itself and for the attitudes of its men.  For a woman, in the universe of Brown Men, these guys are a pushover. The romance may be tempered by reality a little more than with other kinds of Brown Men, but it can be extremely rewarding and they likely will not be shocked to find out you can read.

2) Indians - These guys aren't too bad.  Their deities are generally fat, agreeable and many-armed - better suited for hugging than for wrath.  They are often vegetarians and the belief in things like Karma and reincarnation makes them circumspect when dealing with anything that is alive - including women.  But don't be fooled.  A rigid adherence to the caste system means they expect you to know your place.  They will romance you, and likely read passages from the Kama Sutra to you in bed, but when it comes time for chores, you better know yours.  They are cute, though, and often small.  Truthfully, a good Indian is hard to beat.

3) Pakistanis - These guys would like to tell you different, but they are basically exactly the same as Indians. The only major difference is an adherence to Islam and a voracious appetite for ground beef.  They are like the abrasive, rigid side of the of the softer Indian coin.  They are hopelessly romantic, and relentlessly in search of a better world -  of which you could well be the queen, should you play your cards right - however, they don't like a lot of backtalk and if it's a family gathering and you are a woman, you better know which room you're supposed to be in.  They are generally opposed to public displays of affection and in most social situations would prefer to get separate accommodations, but get them alone and you won't remember your own name with the amount of attention and affection you receive.

4) Persians and Saudis - Now we are getting to the top tiers of the Brown Man as far as romantic challenge is concerned.  Sometimes you might jokingly refer to a man as a "Prince" but the thing about these guys is they may actually be one.  If you meet one of these guys in the US, you better know that they are probably sitting on a fortune so vast as to make the Fortune 500 guys look like paper route running pre-teens.  This could be from ancient family wealth, oil or the white slave trade.  In any case, get ready for jewels, nights at the opera, fancy restaurants so exclusive that you may be the only people in them and lots and lots of being whisked away on romantic getaways.  But also beware.  They will spout poetry but they will never utter a legitimate word of truth unless their mother lives within a 3 hour radius of where you are dating them.  If she's back in the old country, forget it.  They'll string you along as long as they like, then go back to the motherland to be given a bride.  They affection of this kind of Brown Man can be very confusing for western women, who aren't used to being given a diamond pendant from Tiffany's and being shown the door in the same week.

5) Egyptians - And now we come to the top of the food chain.  They've got a million hit points and maximum charisma.  They may not be as wealthy as the Saudis, but they generally have better taste in art.  They are deeply romantic and effete in ways you have never imagined.  They fully believe they are descended from Pharaohs - from living gods - no matter the actual improbability of that being the case. They will act as though they deserve to be served as the expression of god upon the earth.  Whether Coptic or Muslim, these guys are powerful, sexy, socially rigid and demanding.  Most women are powerless against them and they know it.  If you're attracted to power, look no further, but don't think this is going to be easy.  If you want to land an Egyptian, you're going to have to prove you are his match.  Which means you better make him earn any affection you give him.  Don't fall for the poems, elaborate dates and sexy nicknames. Every girl does.  Make him beg.  He'll love you forever.

Okay, now you know the Brown Man a little better.  As I said, this is far from an exhaustive list.  Consider it a starter kit.  Now get out there and date!

Welcome Seekers After the Doorway to God!

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be.

--Rumi

The agony of lovers
burns with the fire of passion.
Lovers leave traces of where they've been.
The wailing of broken hearts
is the doorway to God.

--Rumi

 

Hello fellow travelers! I fondly bid you welcome to my new blog, How to Land a Brown Man.

First things first, I want to make it clear that when I say Brown Man, I mean middle eastern/south asian.  I know nothing about latino men, far eastern men or black men and I don't pretend to such knowledge. However, I am of south aisan, subcontinental heritage, and I know this type of Brown Man quite well.

I decided to launch this page after talking with various white women whom I have the pleasure to know, on the topic of the dating of brown guys.  And, I most humbly but very quickly realized that they know nothing!  Poor white girls had no idea what was coming! The emotion, the passion, the wild romance! Nights at the opera, the unbridled attention, the whispering, the poetry, the nicknames...and that's all just in the first week! It can be a lot for a girl to take, and for some, exactly what the doctor ordered.  However, if this sounds appealing - and no doubt it can be - there are a number of things to keep in mind if you want to capture the beating, fiery heart of a brown man.  And then there is so much more to learn about handling brown families and negotiating a relationship that consists of you, your man and his mother. 

I began this piece with some Rumi quotes for a very specific reason.  Rumi is one of the great archetypes (there are others, which will be explored as we go along) of the Brown Man and ignore his words at your own peril.  Rumi believed strongly in a man's quest for union with the primal beloved from which he has been cut off.  To seek this was to both destroy and resurrect the soul.  So, take the brown man seriously.  When he takes your hand, it's going to be one wild ride.  The brown man is seeking something holy, and he's going to assume it's you until you prove him wrong.

So, remember certain facts when you date the brown man for the first time:

1) He's looking to complete his soul with your love.  This can be a heavy burden.

2) If he is 30 or older, he is bride hunting.

3) He's probably filthy rich, unless he's driving a cab.  Whatever job he is doing, it is probably just for fun.

4) He's going to drown you in treasures, both material and verbal like no one you have ever met. But don't think there isn't a price for all that finery. I hope you like taking commands.

5) Forget what you think you know about the misogynistic culture of most Islamic societies - his mother has all the power.  

6) He's going to say a lot of really nice things about you.  Say thank you but assume it's bullshit until he stops acting like the Count of Monte Cristo and does/says something obviously unrehearsed.

There's lot's more of course.  Which is why I started this blog! Send your experience, your questions, your stories and I'll address them.  And at the same time, I'll be droppin' knowledge.  So, if you've dated a brown man, are dating one, or want to, this is the place for you!